By James Churchill
Even twenty minutes after they had done the deed Angela could still feel him. It still felt like he was inside her and there was still that same sensation which she had first experienced when he had parted her lower lips and slipped inside with a satisfactory grunt and a short escape of breath. She could still feel the warmth of his body pressing against her and she could still smell his cheap cologne swimming up her nostrils. The touch of his tongue still lingered in her mouth and his long and nimble fingers were still massaging and squeezing her breasts. It was all still there, every last sensation and every last drop of ecstasy, hanging about her like the proverbial bad penny and fuelling the ever increasing and agonizing guilt that now wracked her entire body and caused great spasms of grieving, mournful tears to flow from her eyes and onto the pillow.
But the truth was that she had wanted it. She had wanted it all ever since she had first walked into his seminar eighteen months before. She had been the first to arrive and as she peered around the edge of the door he had looked up at her with a charming, smooth and seductive smile before inviting her in with his deep and powerful voice. She was been smitten and from that moment on she had longed for him and yearned for him. She had dreamed that he would come to her and kiss her and do all the sorts of things that lovers do. She had wanted him. She had even elected to take his course modules the following year in the continuing hope that he would start to notice her. And then, two weeks ago, he had finally noticed her and it was all she could have ever wished or hoped for. First he had invited her for some private tuition in his office late of an evening and as she left he kissed her on the cheek and then asked her out to dinner. She gleefully accepted and the following night he drove her out to Moelfre where they had dined on oysters whilst overlooking the sea, watching the sun set in each other’s arms. And afterwards their liaison had blossomed into a raging and secretive affair, the pair always trying to catch fleeting moments together in hidden corners of the library and staying late after seminars in his office. At last, the day before, he had invited her to his home and Angela could hardly contain herself at the prospect. She had been saving herself for this, rejecting several offers from other gentlemanly suitors in the hope that the day would come when he would finally reciprocate her desires and make love to her. And that day, towards noon, she had left her home on Garth Road, travelled out beyond the railway station and then turned into the hills above the city. She then passed along a narrow and winding country lane before arriving at his small and humble cottage in the tiny hamlet of Minffordd. Within half an hour of her arrival he had whisked her up to the bedroom and she had allowed him to strip her naked and thrust himself into her body with a wild and untamed passion.
And whilst it had been happening she had enjoyed it, every last second. She had let her desires overcome her and she had screamed out his name, begging him to thrust harder and deeper and crying out when he erupted and spread his bounty across her body. But now it was over none of that enjoyment remained; none of the passion and none of the pleasure had stayed. There was only remorse and guilt and anguish and regret. She felt no joy for what she had done, no satisfaction at finally fulfilling the dream that had sustained her for the previous year and a half. Angela felt truly awful and now that it was all over she hated herself for it. She hated him too, but she hated herself even more.
She rolled over to take another look at him. He had fallen asleep mere minutes after parting from her body and at that moment he was facing towards her with his jaw hanging open and drool dribbling down onto the pillow in the most revolting of manners. Light, porcine snoring noises came from somewhere at the back of his throat and every so often he would make awful gurgling noises that rang around the room and lingered for a moment afterwards. As she lay by his side Angela now realized he really wasn‘t much to look at after all. When she had first set eyes on him and every day up until that moment she had thought him a handsome demigod but now, for the first time, Angela saw him for what he really was. He was an ugly and disturbing old man; not charming or handsome, merely slimy and sinister. Around his lips each spot of grey stubble stood out whilst dark, bruise like bags hung around his eyes and deep, impenetrable canyons stretched down a pair drooping jowls beneath them. His hair was not as lustrous or beautiful as she had initially thought it either, it was grey and extraordinarily thin, almost none-existent, and quite unkempt. This man, in reality, was ugly.
Angela rolled over again. He was a reminder of the shame of her actions and the misery which she now felt and she didn‘t want to be reminded of them. She tried to close her eyes, to wish it all way in the hope that it had all been a nightmare. When she opened them again she knew that it wasn’t. It was all horribly real and all the feelings and the horrors were still there; She was still in the bed and the old man was still asleep next to her. There was nothing she could do to change what had occurred and as she lay forlornly wishing it all away she came to the slow realization that this one mistake would haunt her for the rest of her days. She would always feel the guilt and the regret of that afternoon and Angela wasn’t sure she could live with that. But the worst part was that she could never tell anyone. She could never reveal what she had done and relieve her burden by sharing the shame. It would not only ruin her own life but also the career of the man beside her. She may have now found him revolting but she had little desire to destroy his livelihood just for her silly mistake. But then again, she began to think, perhaps he deserved it. After all, he had been as much a willing participant as she had been and he was just as much to blame as she was, perhaps more so. Her advances hadn’t warranted his professional misconduct or his allowance of the whole affair to take place. As someone in a position of responsibility he had severely overstepped the mark and he had done things that no person in his position should have ever done. It was his suggestion that she came here that afternoon and it had been his suggestion that they slept together after all. He was very much to blame when all was said and done.
Angela had not been alone in her original position of course. Most of the girls she knew had the hots for at least one of their male lecturers. It was quite a normal situation. All of those lecturers, however, would never dream of making advances on those girls. The girls too were aware that the lecturers were out of reach. They were well aware that the risks outweighed the benefits and they knew damn well that such things came at the cost of their own university careers and the livelihoods of anyone else who was involved. Thinking on this made Angela feel worse and she began to mourn the fact that she had fallen for the one lecturer who was willing to put his job on the line. She mourned the fact that she didn’t have the sense to keep her head and realize it would all lead to regret. Most of all she mourned for her innocence
The sound of squeaking brakes on the pavement outside awakened her from her melancholic thoughts. The noise was followed by the sound of a car door slamming shut and shortly afterwards somebody sliding a key into the front door. For a moment Angela’s heart pounded but then it relaxed. It was his wife and her presence could only be a good thing. It meant Angela’s mistake would be paid for. She would not have to live with the guilt. The wife would find the pair in bed together and a whole shit storm would erupt around her and the lecturer. His career would be ended and she would most likely be removed from her place at the university, but Angela no longer cared an inch. She would accept it as the price of her mistake and as she listened to the sound of footsteps coming up the stairs she smiled to herself.