It’s only a few days till Christmas and stuff is about to get real. Very soon presents will be unwrapped, wine will be drunk, babies will be conceived… (?) But right now I’m guessing that Santa is compiling his naughty and nice list ready for Christmas eve. So whilst he goes through the A,s the B’s and half the C’s (basically before he gets to the part of the list that could be categorised as ‘Ch-J.P’) It’s time to work out which list I’m on.
First of all it’s best to try and determine what Santa himself classes as ‘Naughty and Nice.’ Where for instance is the line crossed? Does he define it in biblical terms and the most sinful are on the naughty list? Well… If we’re going down that route then not only am I going straight to hell but in that case I’ll also be at the very top of the naughty list with a bright red circle around my name. I’ve committed so many ‘sins’ this year I’ll probably be struck down at some point in the near future. Looking at the ten commandments alone it turns out I’ve broken at least half of them this year. I think I’ve also committed most if not all of the seven deadly sins as well.
But I don’t think Santa looks solely at sins. It probably means my name is marked in some way though so I suppose this all hinges on how I’ve behaved in general. Well I’ve been mostly staying quiet this year but I’ve had to do some dodging around to avoid the truth about what I actually do getting out to the people I don’t want it to get out to. I’ve got good reason for the deception but I don’t think Santa will approve of it though so I guess that makes another black mark against my name.
And then on top of that I’ve been a bit harsh to some people when they pissed me off, as unfortunately happens sometimes. When the obsequious little brats next door have been running around outside screaming whilst I’m trying to work I’ve threatened to stamp on their toys and I’ve also sworn to smash in the wing mirrors of their car if they keep playing the drums using the doors… (20 slams in as many seconds yesterday… The car only has five doors!) To be fair on me though they are irritating, stupid people who quite rightly deserve it… But I don’t think Santa will see it that way as smashing somebody’s wing mirrors is not a nice thing to even think about.
On top of that I’ve told cold callers to fuck off, I’ve turned the mothers of the nation against me by pointing out that one of the most popular children’s programmes on tv is complete and utter brain rot and I’ve tried to start a revolution… The revolution fell flat on its face (Let’s not talk about that.) And there are other things I’ve done that aren’t so good but I can’t talk about those things in civilised society.
So what about the good things? I’ve entertained hundreds of people with my work and hopefully brought a bit of joy into their lives at the same time. That’s got to count for something. Other than that… Errrr…. I’ve been nice to most people and normally I try and keep out of trouble. I’m not exactly a horrible person (unless you piss me off and then I will get mad…) It’s just that when it comes to certain types things I’m baaaad.
But this year I think I’m on the naughty list… So I expect at the very least a huge sack of coal under the tree on christmas morning or I’ll be going over there to Lapland and I’ll be having words with Mr Clause…