Every Dr Who fan dreams of writing an episode or gaining control of the entire series once in a while. Some manage to do just that. Chances are that most people aren’t going to get to write an episode and like those, I’m no different. So I thought i’d just describe the ideas I have here just coz they’re never gonna happen. As you’ll see, I have though waaay too much about this:
Title ideas: The Spirits of Montmartre, The Invisible Assassins, Assassins & Absinthe, Moulin Rouge du Mort,
Episode: It would start in an almost empty bar in the Bohemian quarter of Paris, Montmartre. There would be a cleaner who would be sweeping. She would be attacked by ‘something invisible’ and killed.
The Doctor and companion would then arrive in the TARDIS blah blah blah… The Doctor would be dressed as his fourth incarnation. They would enter the bar where the cleaner was killed and learn that this sort of thing has been happening nightly. There would definitely be a pianist played by Bill Bailey and maybe Ernest Hemingway would turn up as well. They would call whatever was attacking them: THE SPIRITS.
The Doctor would drink Absinthe, recognise the taste of wormwood and get terribly confused as to why people are drinking the stuff when it’s a toxin (to humans, not Time Lords)
At one point the pianist would be sat alone at the piano. There would be a noise. He looks up. Nothing. He looks down, up again, nothing. He looks around. He walks around the room, looking in all corners. Nothing. He shrugs, then is suddenly killed.
The Doctor refers to the bar as “The Moulin Rouge of Death” whilst checking the body, which he discovers has a broken neck. He looks shocked for a moment. He then sees a trail of water on the floor and follows it into the basement. There is a large puddle on the floor from a leak. He looks around and finds nothing. He starts heading back to the stairs when he hears splashing in the puddle. He turns around… Still nothing. He starts to turn around when the splashing starts again. He stops and walks towards the puddle. He holds the sonic screwdriver out as the lights begin to flash. Then, reflected in the glow of the sonic screwdriver is AN INVISIBLE WEEPING ANGEL!
I’ve not thought much further than that except that the angels wouldn’t be aware that they’re invisible (not being able to look at each other and all) and that the Doctor would stop them using the scarf and maybe a bottle of Absinthe. Perhaps the wormwood could disintegrate the Angels?
Bring back this in an episode that would essentially be Free Willy set in a space Aquarium:
Obviously it wouldn’t be that bad… It’d be far less of a lumbering pantomime horse and much, much more a sleek, stylish water dinosaur. Kids still love dinosaurs right? Like I said… Free Willy in a space aquarium.
Ok… so here is what i’d do with the series. First thing i’d do is start with a brand new Doctor and Companion. The Doctor would be a fairly quiet, unassuming techy sort of Doctor… Kind of similar to Jon Pertwee without all the karate. The companion would be a wannabe street fighter/ masked vigilante from Belfast… She’d also be the daughter of someone the Doctor had met previously and maybe travelled with, though they wouldn’t find that out for a while. How about calling her Jen for now?
Anyway… The series would start with the newly regenerated Doc stumbling around modern Belfast all dazed and confused. He’d wander down an alley and get surrounded by a local gang. They try to mug him but Jen would swoop in and save him and together they’d beat off the thugs. That’s when they’d come across some sort of a dark shadow that consumes people’s souls… Dementors but scarier. I haven’t thought about that. Anyway, they’d be stopped somehow and the Doctor and Jen would fly off in the TARDIS to have all sorts of adventures (Maybe the above two included?)
Gradually as the series progresses, the Doctor and Jen would start to feel more and more like they’re being manipulated and at one point there’d be an episode based on a game of chess where the looser would be destroyed, sort of a bit through the looking glass but with a sci-fi twist. Like I said, I haven’t thought too much about the episodes. The Doctor and Jen would attempt to escape the manipulator for a while but eventually would play along and this would end with the Doctor, Jen and the TARDIS travelling through a rift to the universe before ours.
I’d make this universe big, beautiful and full of cascading colours, stars and other completely trippy things… And big scary twisted, almost freaky things as well. Everything would be huge in this universe and I’d end the rift episode on a big cliffhanger with the Doctor and Jen stepping out of the TARDIS and facing a huge, massive (and when I say massive I mean so big you can’t even see the characters anymore) giant dragon thing. After a bit of a chase through the pre-universe they would meet the ancient and powerful War Lord Demerara (not to be sugar coated might i add, and played by Brian Blessed and miles bigger than The Doctor and Jen…) He would tell them of “A great danger encroaching” and that the Doctor should check over his shoulder to see who or what is following him. They’d rescue a male human similar to Jen’s age who had fallen through the rift. Let’s call him… Simon! Simon would be a sort of rock musician type and over the rest of the series I’d have he and Jen develop a romantic attachment.
Anyway… After a couple of episodes in the pre-universe universe, The Doctor, Jen and Simon would escape back to our universe. There’d be a few more episodes before the two part finale which would see the intrepid trio returning to the Irish coast where they would find a great stone city, similar to a medieval one, but modern. Exploring, they would come across a body hidden in an alley. The Doctor would recognize it as one of the earlier classic series incarnations of the Master and become incredibly concerned because he can’t have died… The trio would then investigate and discover “The Council.” The council, as it transpires, would be made up of the Master (as played by John Simm) The Master (Derek Jacobi) The wrinkled husk death Master from the seventies (some guy under prosthetics) and what would be revealed as the Master’s earliest and most evil incarnation to be played by either: Jeremy Irons or Ian McKellan. I’d call the episodes “City of Evil” and “War of the Masters.” The Masters would be conspiring against each other and slowly they would be killing each other off- which would be used as an explanation for why they weren’t all there. To cut a long story short the Doctor would stop the Master from destroying the universe but the last Master standing (Irons/Gandalf) would warn the Doctor that his interference has “shattered the chains once again,” before making his escape. The Doctor would understand this and drag his friends back to the TARDIS which would shoot up into the sky and off into the universe. The camera would then pan back to reveal a screen being watched by whichever actor wasn’t playing the first Master. He would smile and utter those immortal words “We play the contest again… Time Lord!”
BOOM! End of first series. Classic series fans will no doubt recognise where the final line is from and who it is. For those who don’t… I’ll leave you guessing.
Like I said… It’s never gonna happen so i thought i’d share my thoughts on what i’d do. As you can see, there are ideas… good and bad and ones I’ve thought a bit too much about. But I’m not going to write them so what does it matter?